Something about me

Received an ask.fm question asking, "Who knows you best?". Got me pondering for a moment, before realizing that actually nobody I know so far, no matter how close the relationship is, knows what kind of person I actually am. Sure, I may be that guy who's always laughing, smiling and living life like there's no worries, but in fact, I don't entirely constitute who I'm observed to be. Only I know myself best because, I don't open up all my thoughts and perspectives to people.

Nowadays I've been doing some self-reflection during this period of time since I've stepped into JC. I've changed, like some elements of the old me are absent in the present me. Certain mentality and virtues I value kinda got distilled from me. This sets me off my track to ideality. My definition of ideality: Live live to the fullest and genuinely feel happy no matter the circumstances. Here's one thing I lost that I cherish so much in the past: Positivity.

Definitely, positivity was drained from me. Along with it's disposal was genuinity, open-mindedness and confidence. I remember I once tweeted during last year's December, "Displace negativity and replace with positive mentality." Something along this line. Thought I could really live up to that tweet, hahaha nice joke. Now I'm always feeling troubled when lil' shit cocks up. When someone dislikes me, I feel so guilty, so vexed, so helpless. I was jolted awake when my friend just told me to not give a fuck, why let people who don't matter affect your mood and your life. At that precise moment, I knew something was wrong. Nobody ever said that to me. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN ME SAYING THAT TO PEOPLE.

Exactly. Why do I care so much so that it literally shakes me up mentally? I could have just simply be a nonchalant fag and play it cool. I don't know now...

Excellent example of my pessimism. Recently I've gotten back my MYE results. I must say, I have slogged my life out studying so hard for the first time in my life, not even during pre-O's prep was I this hardworking. However, I didn't quite get back the results I have expected. Failed my math when I've been acing class tests all through the semester. I was pretty damn depressed because I ain't got As for anything and I failed my most confident subject. My vision was limited only to how badly I've done and why have I lost to the others. Darren came up and told me to never compare myself with others because there will always be someone above you. It's all about bettering yourself each time. That made me regain some positivity and feel much better with my now decent grades. Maybe if I've been more open and positive, this MYE results shit could have been just a speck of dust on the shoulder, waiting to be swept away simply with the back of my hand.

Life is actual that simple if positivity is taken into perspective. There's always the bright and dark side of everything, it's just where you decide to turn and face your head to.