What's good people? 25 days to Promos and what the hell have I been doing so far? Haha not much... I can safely say that I haven't give too much a shit about it. Soon, I feel it tomorrow. "Yesterday you said today", yeah whatevs...
During one of my long and therapeutic bus rides home whilst listening to some deep ass music, I did some self-evaluation and comparison of my attitude, past and present, and realized I've changed quite a bit. A change in attitude is a simple expression of a change in personality. I noticed a shift in my character in which whether it's good or bad is a debatable.
I've been giving too little damns about things happening. I used to be an overly sensitive lil' prick who's easily affected based on others' judgement, prejudices and words. If I find out anyone talking behind my back, saying shit about me or just basically anything pertaining to me, I'll feel insecure and curious to dig more up, to know what is actually going on and what have I done to spark this flame. I MUST know every single detail of the event and have many people verify it. I was too concerned about differing perceptions of the person I am. There was a point in time when I realized how sensitive I was and observed how this sensitivity and insecurity have the capacity to destroy my ego and positivity. I knew I had to do something before I turn into a freaking psychopath.
So, I decided not to give a fuck. The less fucks I give, the less problems I create or complicate for myself. It worked pretty darn well! I'm immune to gossips about me, insults and shitty attitudes that were thrown on my face. I'm not exactly numb in my feelings though. I do react and respond according to the situation, but the matter doesn't inch its way into my life and cockblock me from enjoying myself. What I've learn is to let others judge me if they will, hate me if they want (because haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate), I ain't gonna sulk for people who aren't worth my emotions and time. I also learned to cherish people who really care for me because in the event I lose them, it will be totally different from losing a 'friend'. That shit's gonna hurt real badly.
Albeit my positive change in attitude, a beautiful sky gets dark clouds too. I'm becoming more and more nonchalant and ignorant to the social environment such that insensitivity is proliferating across my social life. Many a times, I say shit that may have hurt someone else and I give no apparent fucks. More like I don't even know that deserved one but... You get what I'm saying right? I am officially beginning to drift away in my own world............. HECK NO, gotta do some self-checks and ensure that I'm still tethered to emotions and feelings. Recently, my friend told me that she admires my independence and my nonchalance, like I do my own shit and not brood over what people say about me (I think). I should be feeling good when I here this, but an old dormant part of me sense more bad than good. Kinda like my physical self exists on this very world but my mental and spiritual self just floats off to another magical realm far far away. I don't want to be this kind of 'dgaf' douchenozzle!!
So here's the plan, Imma try and give any spare fucks I have in my pockets in any given occasion around people, but simultaneously, Imma tone down my emotional receptors and keep my 'immunity' in check. Hahaha this is getting strategic. Things like these aren't even supposed to be phrased out in words, it becomes too... Complex and conceptual.
Alright, POSITIVITY GUARANTEES HAPPINESS!!
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