Woopie doop~ Look at the date, 18 January 2014. It's going to be Chinese New Year soon, a festive period of laughter and joy, but scrap that because I ain't in the mood for celebration... Haish... I just realized how stagnant my blog is... Previous post about Grad Night dated back to last year's November... Oh wait a freaking second! It's exactly two months since Grad Night! Wooooo time flies... I was a happy dude before 13th January... Screw this O level shit. Urgh... LET THE RANT BEGIN!
13 January, release of the results. Honestly, I had a nightmare before that I got 15 points for O's and everyone was just rejoicing and screaming in excitement because they scored freaking single digits. Then I woke from this nightmare, telling myself THAT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN TO ME. However, a part of me fear that it might come true, it's like telling me, "Hey yo, don't get too excited about your results, you're not gonna do well this time." But I was like, "Nah, you shut your crap, Imma ace this shit!" Should have known earlier that.......... IT WAS A SIGN. Guess what, BINGO! Got that damn 2 digits for my O's. WOOOOOHOOO!! AMEN!!! OHHH YEAH!! JUST WHAT I WISHED FOR!! Fug this shit -.-
When I got my results from the teacher, holy shit, devastated as hell. Like what is this bullshit? Isn't the bellcurve working the way it should be? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY B3s ON MY DAMN RESULTS SLIP?!?!?!?!?!! My heart literally dislodged itself from it's general area and shoved itself into my freaking asshole. It felt like there was a storm casting above my head while beautiful rainbows skimmed across everyone's hair, igniting them with joy, gratefulness and a sense of accomplishment. I would have broken down in front of my classmates if not for my dad, who came to fetch me home even though I told him not to come. During the journey back home in the car, he was encouraging me that "this isn't the end, it's just the start" and "Papa retained in Sec 3 and Sec 4 then dropped out of school eventually but still became the boss" and "Papa scored all F in secondary school but thought of it as F for FANTASTIC". At that point in time, my sky already crashed to the ground and all my hopes were shattered, his pep talks were just annoyance to my ears. I told him to shut up halfway through his talk. He zipped his mouth instantly and drove silently. Dead silence ensued my words............................. It took me awhile to realize how rude I was before apologizing to him "Sorry Pa..."
He said, "Rong Jie (Chinese), just know that sometimes you will fail to achieve what you set out for, but the main thing is to look forward to the future because there is a lot more opportunities next time, and make sure the next time, you work even harder to get what you want. Besides, you started working hard only after your Prelim 2, less than a month before your O level, you can't expect much from that last minute effort. But anyway, our whole family will always support you in whatever you do."
That woke my ass up abit. Thanks Dad, for the support and all. I wanted to dig and piece back my shattered positivity that is buried under this asteroid of disappointment but I know it'll take some time, depending on how easily I overcome this stupid result shit, and how determined I am to get back on my feet to continue the race. This is what happens when you decide to fly so high without considering your flight capabilities of your wings - you come crashing down to earth like a space shuttle without a chute deployed.
It's seriously not easy to move on, especially when I've been programmed by my environment that "RESULTS = YOUR LIFE. BAD RESULTS = BAD LIFE". At first, I thought of avoiding all my friends because I felt that I wasn't on par with their standards. I felt that I will become the outcast if I hang out with them in the future. It's difficult for me. I still regret up till now that I should have started working hard at the start of the year, the period when most Sec 4s realized the importance of mugging. I was still taking it lightly, like, okay, it's still 100+ days away from the exams, chill yo~ Even until the 30th day countdown to O's, I'm still chilling and not jamming down on my accelerator. Urgh... Still have the guts to dream of achieving straight As like that -.- I was an overambitious cock.
I knew I have to pick myself up and get back on track as soon as possible. I need a pull up bar to pull myself together, a bridge to get over it, a straw to suck it up, a dove to let it go and a full cup......... To shut the full cup and stop reproaching myself. It may sound crazy but I kept my alter ego activated to give myself pep talks, and to motivate myself. It's a really weird process, I know it's stupid but bear with it. I finally began to unearth some of those positivity and plucked some courage from the Self-esteem Tree, enabling me to meet up with my friends for JC open houses the next day. Most of the reputable JCs were made hard to enter with my 13 points (after deduction cuz I failed my freaking higher chinese). I was so vexed every time I enter a JC that I can't get in. But I kept motivating myself each day I got home. Maybe mid-tier JCs weren't so bad afterall.... It's just my freaking ambitious expectations, I have to destroy it. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. Oh look! I can appeal into schools with my CCA background!
I spent two days visiting all the reputable schools like Victoria JC, Anglo-Chinese JC, Nanyang JC and even freaking Raffles Institution (#overoveroverambitious #again) just to find out from the teacher-in-charge of my chances to appeal into the school. Victoria turned me down immediately because they do not accept leadership appeals and there's no water sports like kayaking or dragonboating as their CCA for me to appeal into. But luckily, Raffles and ACJC recognizes leadership appeals, so there's chance for me. I didn't want to hope too high, else I'll come crashing down again. Currently, I'm just doing my best to compile my documents for the appeal on 5th February, all the best to myself (hahahaha so selfish) and to everyone out there who's trying to appeal.
Argh, I've been typing for approximately an hour now... My eyes are getting blurry :( Reminds me of what Rocky Balboa said, "It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward - how much you can take and keep MOVING FOWARD. THAT'S HOW WINNING IS DONE!" Well, this is really just the beginning. My first biggest fall. Even if you fall flat on your face, you are still moving forward. Also it isn't about how badly you fall that matters, it's about how well you get back on your feet and dust the dirt off your shoulders after eating ground. Like a smile, there's a high point and there's a low point. But after passing through the lowest point, it'll slowly go back up. And that's what makes a happy smile :) After tasting this defeat, I realized how sour and bitter this experience is, and I'll never go back to taste it again. Kinda glad that I did badly, makes me a more put-words-to-action person and a down-to-earth guy. Well, let the success do the talking because it has a louder voice than the process. Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom~ I swear I'm freaking deep now. Better end this off before I can't scale up this chasm. I will be laughing at myself years down the road when I look back and see how a results thingy can break a happy person like me hahahaha. Just hope that in the future when I look back at this post, I will be glad that I have made some huge ass progress and accomplishment from where I am later in life :) Do your old self proud ;) HASTA LA VISTA BABY!!
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