Happy Chinese New Year! But something's missing...

Actually I don't feel any different now that it's Chinese New Year, I'm not as excited and anticipating like I used to be. As a kid last time, the occasion that I look forward to was only CNY because of the red packets, gambling and the atmosphere of unity and joy. Currently, I'm typing this at 12.21am, listening to Basshunter's Day And Night (you should really try listening to his stuff, those are my jam and I highly recommend it). I feel like doing a self-reflection from the period between now and 1 January 2014.

Well, first of all, I need to make a few amendments to my personality. I realized that I trust people too easily. Whoever knows how to maneuver my trust, have my loyalty. No matter how unreliable and how exaggerated my friend paints the story, I will blindly believe whatever I've been told, and I'll give him the support without suspecting his credibility. This has its pros and cons. Pros: I'm a very easy-going person and get along well with. Cons: Some manipulative people find the ease to use me as their pawn for their "chess games". I want to trust people easily, but some people are more than what meets the eye. They put on "agreeable" fronts with you around but behind those perfectly crafted masks lies a bunch of true faces scarred with ulterior motives and sly schemes. Seems easy to get along with them, but actually you've been mentally stabbed thousands of times already. My trust is too superficial... Haish...

Also, I realized that people do change. Some people have their own negative traits, but as they grow, these traits start expressing themselves more. Some of these include arrogance, overconfidence, insistence, aggression, oversensitivity, insensitivity etc. And when they change, you don't see the old them inside those eyes. I can't bring myself to tell them bluntly about their flaws, because personally, I do have flaws too. This will not only turn me into a hypocrite, but also spoils the friendship. Urgh, why is this so complicated....

Back to the results shit again. I try to forget about it and move on but people have to keep bringing it up. When they are happily discussing those high-tier JCs that they are going, there's me just trying to fade away like a ghost. I can't join in those talks because at the end of the day, I'll feel kinda useless and I will start reproaching myself again. FEELING ALL KINDS OF REGRETS. Oh... And the relatives are gonna keep asking me about which school I'm going, then comparing me with my brother, and then 'suan' me for not working hard etc. omg.... Which reminds me. Just yesterday when I brought my friends over to my house, my grandma asked them for their results. After which, she then outrageously compared them with me and said that I was the worst because everyone did better than me. I seriously.... Seriously hate it, when people deduce my intellect based on my academic results. I'm not dumb because I can't score straight A1s. Nobody's stupid what the fug. People excel in different areas. Like what Albert Einstein said, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing it is stupid." Damn it.... I seriously hate this education system. Give it another decade and it takes more than just being a double degree PhD muglord to get even an average paying job -.- Really really wish people would just stop judging me....

I've talked about how some people have changed, and I'm one of those as well. After the release of O's results, I became a very dull and unhappy person. I'm not that old hyper dude with all the jokes and funny faces. I'm no longer feeling carefree. I'm no longer that confident and cheerful person who spends most of his time making people around him laugh. My self-esteem plunged into an abyss. I don't know why. I can't find my old self back. I'm always feeling useless, feeling uncompetitive, feeling soooooooo not happy. Negativity is flooding my mind. I can't seem to displace those negativity. Now it's making me so pessimistic. Urgh... Always talking about emo stuff on my blog. Have a look at the previous blog posts, and compare it with my recent blog posts. Haha... Big difference in the tone huh? This sucks... I can't find the right and ideal person to confide to. I'm afraid that if I try confiding a friend about all my shit, he'l probably get tired of my bullshit and call it quits for our friendship. I realized how many friends I can actually rely on now..... Practically none. Best to rely on myself and be a little bit more independent.

I used to be the colour in people's life. Who's going to help colour my life, now that it's black and white?

I'm too damn tired now... Have to wake early tomorrow to pay visit to my relative's house. Ciao~

Why I started getting into fitness.

24 January 2014. Haha feels good to blog everyday. It's the only thing I can entertain myself at night other than reading books or watching movies on my computer. A lil' background on why I started lifting, like kinda to remind myself why I have to continue this "lifestyle".





I came into Maris Stella in 2010, as a scrawny midget Sec 1 kid. I was small and skinny, and I looked like a dork. I didn't really care about my fitness in Sec 1 until I joined NCC. Man, y'all should have seen how my seniors train us as little Part A weaklings. I don't even think it's training, it's pure mental and physical torture. Every training session was so taxing and I always leave school feeling exhausted as hell. The Physical Training was inhumane man, doing pushups in all different angles, positions and crazy load of repetitions. It actually gave me the foundation to be more athletic than others. I realized I needed to get bigger in size after seeing how tall and huge my schoolmates were. But there wasn't much drive for me to start lifting.





During my Sec 1 days, I was often bullied by a dude because I was an easy target to pick on. And damn, that guy was strong. Always whacking me and hitting me for fun. I noticed that a lot of the other bigger dudes in class never got picked on by this guy, so I told myself that I needed put on some muscle mass. I went home as saw a pair of 5kg dumbbells that my brother bought, and so, I started doing bicep curls every single day without fail. I just did as many reps as I could in one shot, didn't know much about the bodybuilding tips and techniques.





When I was Sec 2, my school turned an entire art room into a luxurious school gym. It was really damn cool. I visited the gym for the first time as a shy kid, just bicep curling with light ass dumbbells. Gradually, I wanted more than just bicep curls with stupid dumbbells. So I started getting into lifting and learning different kinds of exercises for different kinds of muscle groups. Basically, I learned everything on the Internet, YouTube especially hahaha. I didn't have a coach to guide me, but what I do have is the guts to experiment all the exercises even if it means snapping my joints under the pressure of the weights.





I visited the gym very frequently from Sec 3 onwards. I had growing desires of getting bigger because honestly, I'm that ectomorph whose metabolism is hitting the roof, it's super hard for me to grow and gain mass. I was always underweight in Sec 1 and 2. One day, I saw my bro brought back a tub of weight gainer powder and I saw him drinking that all the time. At first, I stuck to this mindset of staying away from all these supplements and shit because I thought they were "UNNATURAL". In the end, I tried some for myself and wanted to get more of that protein into my body after working out. I bought my own protein powder, but kept it a secret. I didn't want people to judge me just because I drink protein shake after working out. After letting a few people know that I drank protein shake, most of them started judging me. Calling me protein boy, or steroids boy or ugly names like that. It was really hurtful and so I totally stopped taking that.





In Sec 4, I realized that I don't have to live off people's criticism and judgement, as long as it's not doing something immoral and heinous. It's not freaking steroid -.- You don't grow into a buff guy just by taking protein shake. It's just a freaking supplement that aid in recovery of your damaged muscle fibers after exercising. It doesn't substitute your diet. You still have to eat a lot of lean source of protein to grow, this shit just allows your body to absorb the right protein needed for growth. Muscle fibers suffer micro-damages when you lift the weight, and they need protein to recover and grow stronger so that you can handle the weight much easier in future. That's some basic science for all you judgmental pricks out there.





Oh and I also got into calisthenic exercises like muscle up, front lever, back lever and all kinds of exotic exercises like single arm clap pushup hahahaha! Those were the good times man. During Sec 4, my classmates got into doing all kinds of crazy push ups and exercises and we always hit the fitness corner everyday after school :) It was fun for us guys because that was the only "enjoyable" and healthy thing we could do during Sec 4, apart from playing basketball and soccer.





All these fitness stuff became a lifestyle rather than for the sake of showing off (okay maybe sometimes........ BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!) . I do them because I think it's a healthy way to pass time, look better, feel good, and have fun. I'm not all those meatheads who just pump themselves up at the gym everyday. When I feel like it, I hit the gym with my buddies and train together :)

Friends.

What is a friend? The stranger who walked into your life and become someone you value? Or is it a come-and-go person? Or is it just a person who shares a common interest as you? For me, a friend is just a person that I know, and is on good terms with me. Simple as that. I know you, you know me, you don't hate me, I don't hate you, cool, we're friends then.





But what actually makes a good friend? A good friend is someone who will entertain you, enjoy fun things with you, probably comfort you when you're sad, make you laugh, or laugh with you. However, when they get too tired of your rantings, your bullshit and the attitude that makes up who you are, they'll distant themselves away from you, then slowly vanish into the list of people that you used to know. These good friends can be manipulated by your enemies, and with the right amount of "conditioning", they turn against you and join the haters. But these are the people you'll also need to make your life a little brighter and more vibrant, you can't leave them out of the equation.





Your buddy, a person who you can rely on, a person close to you like your own siblings. This person is the one who will back your ass up when you need the support, both mentally and physically. He or she is willing to take the rap for you, share the burden with you, even if it means sacrificing something for you. But slowly as your busy schedule shoves its way into your life, you'll find that both of you are seeing each lesser and lesser. Before you know it, your buddy becomes someone else's buddy due to lack of interaction. What happens? You'll lose someone very close to you. But that's okay, you've still got your bestie to back you up, right?





Ahhh~ Bestie. Someone you can confide to, someone who will avenge you, someone who can take all your nonsense and become his own nonsense, someone whom you can put all your trust in, because you know he'll keep that trust safe like a bank. He will never, ever (over his dead body) trade your trust for something he desires. And he will never, ever, stab you in the back and shank you in the butthole just because someone else tries to make him go against you. He won't brag about having a bestie like you to others, because deep down inside, he is just too proud to have you as his bestie such that no words can describe what a good bestie you are. He hangs out with you all the time. Even if it's just silence during meet ups, both of you will not feel awkward at all. He is the closest person to you. He is your wall to lean on. He is the one who sits beside you on the rollercoaster ride through your life's ups and downs. He'll beat up that kid who insulted your family because your family is his family. He'll call you nicknames like bitch, dude, douche etc. but both of you know that y'all love each other to bits. Both of you are like conjoined twins, going everywhere together despite other's mocking y'all about being gay buds or whatsoever. He is your homie. There's no one who can replace him because he is always at the top. You can lose everyone else as your friend except him, because if you lose him, you'll find that your life is as empty as a park during a zombie apocalypse. However, don't ever take it for granted and treat him like trash no matter how close you two are. Friendship is, nevertheless, fragile like glass. The more you treat him like shit, venting out all your frustrations and taking it out on him, the greater the likelihood of shattering the glass. Just so you know, a shattered glass can be pieced back using super glue or scotch tape, but it isn't going to be as beautiful as before.






I described these different types of friends based on anecdotal experience. More than a decade of socializing, and this is how I establish my approach to the hierarchy of friendship. It does ring a bell, doesn't it? We all have the same approach to the hierarchy of friendship, but maybe not as explicit. Before you start classifying people accordingly, think about it....... You actually qualify for all the 'appointments', no? You've been that friend who doesn't do much for others. You've been that good friend who's there to play when there's a time to play. You've been that buddy who's there to back your friend up but nowadays you guys are not as close as last time. Finally, you've been that bestie who's still bitching about others and spend lots of time in your twosome world. Well, if you feel that you don't truly understand what I've just said, it's either 1.You can't comprehend English words. 2.You need to start making friends.

Post O's Results Feels...

Woopie doop~ Look at the date, 18 January 2014. It's going to be Chinese New Year soon, a festive period of laughter and joy, but scrap that because I ain't in the mood for celebration... Haish... I just realized how stagnant my blog is... Previous post about Grad Night dated back to last year's November... Oh wait a freaking second! It's exactly two months since Grad Night! Wooooo time flies... I was a happy dude before 13th January... Screw this O level shit. Urgh... LET THE RANT BEGIN!




13 January, release of the results. Honestly, I had a nightmare before that I got 15 points for O's and everyone was just rejoicing and screaming in excitement because they scored freaking single digits. Then I woke from this nightmare, telling myself THAT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN TO ME. However, a part of me fear that it might come true, it's like telling me, "Hey yo, don't get too excited about your results, you're not gonna do well this time." But I was like, "Nah, you shut your crap, Imma ace this shit!" Should have known earlier that.......... IT WAS A SIGN. Guess what, BINGO! Got that damn 2 digits for my O's. WOOOOOHOOO!! AMEN!!! OHHH YEAH!! JUST WHAT I WISHED FOR!! Fug this shit -.-





When I got my results from the teacher, holy shit, devastated as hell. Like what is this bullshit? Isn't the bellcurve working the way it should be? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY B3s ON MY DAMN RESULTS SLIP?!?!?!?!?!! My heart literally dislodged itself from it's general area and shoved itself into my freaking asshole. It felt like there was a storm casting above my head while beautiful rainbows skimmed across everyone's hair, igniting them with joy, gratefulness and a sense of accomplishment. I would have broken down in front of my classmates if not for my dad, who came to fetch me home even though I told him not to come. During the journey back home in the car, he was encouraging me that "this isn't the end, it's just the start" and  "Papa retained in Sec 3 and Sec 4 then dropped out of school eventually but still became the boss" and "Papa scored all F in secondary school but thought of it as F for FANTASTIC". At that point in time, my sky already crashed to the ground and all my hopes were shattered, his pep talks were just annoyance to my ears. I told him to shut up halfway through his talk. He zipped his mouth instantly and drove silently. Dead silence ensued my words............................. It took me awhile to realize how rude I was before apologizing to him "Sorry Pa..."





He said, "Rong Jie (Chinese), just know that sometimes you will fail to achieve what you set out for, but the main thing is to look forward to the future because there is a lot more opportunities next time, and make sure the next time, you work even harder to get what you want. Besides, you started working hard only after your Prelim 2, less than a month before your O level, you can't expect much from that last minute effort. But anyway, our whole family will always support you in whatever you do."





That woke my ass up abit. Thanks Dad, for the support and all. I wanted to dig and piece back my shattered positivity that is buried under this asteroid of disappointment but I know it'll take some time, depending on how easily I overcome this stupid result shit, and how determined I am to get back on my feet to continue the race. This is what happens when you decide to fly so high without considering your flight capabilities of your wings - you come crashing down to earth like a space shuttle without a chute deployed.





It's seriously not easy to move on, especially when I've been programmed by my environment that "RESULTS = YOUR LIFE. BAD RESULTS = BAD LIFE". At first, I thought of avoiding all my friends because I felt that I wasn't on par with their standards. I felt that I will become the outcast if I hang out with them in the future. It's difficult for me. I still regret up till now that I should have started working hard at the start of the year, the period when most Sec 4s realized the importance of mugging. I was still taking it lightly, like, okay, it's still 100+ days away from the exams, chill yo~ Even until the 30th day countdown to O's, I'm still chilling and not jamming down on my accelerator. Urgh... Still have the guts to dream of achieving straight As like that -.- I was an overambitious cock.





I knew I have to pick myself up and get back on track as soon as possible. I need a pull up bar to pull myself together, a bridge to get over it, a straw to suck it up, a dove to let it go and a full cup......... To shut the full cup and stop reproaching myself. It may sound crazy but I kept my alter ego activated to give myself pep talks, and to motivate myself. It's a really weird process, I know it's stupid but bear with it. I finally began to unearth some of those positivity and plucked some courage from the Self-esteem Tree, enabling me to meet up with my friends for JC open houses the next day. Most of the reputable JCs were made hard to enter with my 13 points (after deduction cuz I failed my freaking higher chinese). I was so vexed every time I enter a JC that I can't get in. But I kept motivating myself each day I got home. Maybe mid-tier JCs weren't so bad afterall.... It's just my freaking ambitious expectations, I have to destroy it. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. ALL JCs ARE GOOD. Oh look! I can appeal into schools with my CCA background!





I spent two days visiting all the reputable schools like Victoria JC, Anglo-Chinese JC, Nanyang JC and even freaking Raffles Institution (#overoveroverambitious #again) just to find out from the teacher-in-charge of my chances to appeal into the school. Victoria turned me down immediately because they do not accept leadership appeals and there's no water sports like kayaking or dragonboating as their CCA for me to appeal into. But luckily, Raffles and ACJC recognizes leadership appeals, so there's chance for me. I didn't want to hope too high, else I'll come crashing down again. Currently, I'm just doing my best to compile my documents for the appeal on 5th February, all the best to myself (hahahaha so selfish) and to everyone out there who's trying to appeal.





Argh, I've been typing for approximately an hour now... My eyes are getting blurry :( Reminds me of what Rocky Balboa said, "It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward - how much you can take and keep MOVING FOWARD. THAT'S HOW WINNING IS DONE!" Well, this is really just the beginning. My first biggest fall. Even if you fall flat on your face, you are still moving forward. Also it isn't about how badly you fall that matters, it's about how well you get back on your feet and dust the dirt off your shoulders after eating ground. Like a smile, there's a high point and there's a low point. But after passing through the lowest point, it'll slowly go back up. And that's what makes a happy smile :) After tasting this defeat, I realized how sour and bitter this experience is, and I'll never go back to taste it again. Kinda glad that I did badly, makes me a more put-words-to-action person and a down-to-earth guy. Well, let the success do the talking because it has a louder voice than the process. Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom~ I swear I'm freaking deep now. Better end this off before I can't scale up this chasm. I will be laughing at myself years down the road when I look back and see how a results thingy can break a happy person like me hahahaha. Just hope that in the future when I look back at this post, I will be glad that I have made some huge ass progress and accomplishment from where I am later in life :) Do your old self proud ;) HASTA LA VISTA BABY!!